I'd love you, but my head is so heavy.

The guy who normally sits behind me at work has changed his shift for the rest of the summer, and his desk has been hijacked by someone who I think was out for the last three months due to frequent court appearances. Anyway, he sits there, and has conversations with his girlfriend on speakerphone. I shouldn't say conversations. Rather, she talks, and talks, and it (on a good day) fades into the background and sounds like a late-night AM radio program in which a lonely woman talks about the minutae of her day.

On other days, he falls asleep on the desk and it takes her a full five minutes to realize that he hasn't responded in a full five minutes. She'd figure it out sooner if she had to breathe more than twelve times in an hour. At this point, the almost-soothing radio personality, let's call her Melissa, turns into this:

MELISSA: Hello? Did you fall asleep? ... Hello? I think you fell asleep. ... Hello? Hellowwww? Are you asleep? ... You're asleep. Hello? ... Just tell me you're thinking about me.


Hello.